Translating the Concealed Abomination: Identity Memo

            For the most part, a large part of our society is never discussed, heard about, or given a platform to speak on. Due to people’s actions, the system’s dismissal and rejection of a group of people, racism, classicism, and many other injustices, people’s voices are not only silenced, but society does not benefit from their knowledge and lived experiences. Even before entering, based on the little I have learned about prisons, I am enraged and frustrated with the lack of power these womyn have over their own lives. I wonder how often different womyn feel fear, what womyn take comfort in, if or when they feel empowered, and how they continue fighting each day. We learn what crimes individuals are charged with, but what occurs in prison seems to be one of society’s dirty secrets.

            I am curious to know if the womyn have gained anything from prison, if the experience of being concealed, obscured, removed has given them anything. I am extremely skeptical of the entire prison industrial complex. How could someone learn to better “fit” into society or be a better “citizen” by being stripped of almost all the benefits and opportunities afforded by the promises of being a “citizen” in the United States.

            I am interested in learning more about people’s relationships in prison. Is there a feeling that womyn are constantly establishing and ending relationships? How difficult is it to trust the other womyn? How has prison effected how womyn trust or confide in others?

            Sitting at my computer, overlooking interweaving stark impressions from green, nappy trees, enjoying the fruits of mobility, on this sun-kissed perch, I am contemplating the idea of  “locked up.”  People’s minds, hearts, thoughts, exploration, and learning confined, limited, blocked. I have the privilege of sheltered, safe imagination. I am flooded with questions. Why do I feel like these womyn share so much, have so much in common?

            Throughout almost all my institutional and experiential education, I have studied, learnt from and beside students, professors, counselors, and teachers who often have a strong desire to be present in a classroom, to openly share their thoughts, reactions, and opinions, who have a vested interested in the content being discussed. There have been similar expectations about conduct, all attached to the weight and pressure of grades and tests. Thinking about teaching and learning in prison and reflecting on my own education, I have never thought so much about how different people learn, how we can bring out people’s strengths most effectively, and how difficult it seems and afraid I am to be working with people who I know nothing about.

             I have never taught or worked with adults where I am planning the lessons. I hope this experience will inform and enhance my own ideas surrounding teachers, their endeavors, the labor of love, and their victories or accomplishments.  I am excited to work with people who are older, to learn about their impressions of different times and how the past has shaped today. I am worried about working with and teaching womyn I see as so much stronger than me, more courageous than me, who have overcome so many daily battles. I look forward to learning beside womyn who are resourceful, creative, and introspective. How can I relate to their experiences? How can I honor their struggles?

             I worry about meeting their needs, knowing that we can only satisfy few of them. How comfortable do these womyn feel speaking their mind? How can I create the most conducive and constructive learning space? How much control do I have over this space?

             I am also extremely afraid of my own judgments, stereotypes, or as I refer to them, “hindrances to growth.” What do I subconsciously think about incarcerated people? Why are these thoughts more “okay,” “accepted” than racist, classicist, sexist ideas? How can my hindrances to growth be properly ripped to pieces, shattered, and learnt from? How can I train myself/ teach myself to be less judgmental and more patient and forgiving?

            I understand that television can be misleading and often exaggerates certain aspects of our lives, while also underestimating the intensity and gravity of others, but I would be dishonest if I didn’t add that television shows, specifically Orange is the New Black and Wentworth, have shaped and continue to inform my ideas, thoughts, and formulated images about prisons.

            I went to a prison many years ago to visit a client and good friend of my parents, Ray, with my mother and older brother. I remember entering a large facility, its cleanliness seeming too sterile and wholesome. The immediate bleach, nasal intoxication upon entering, only heightened my nerves. Yet, when we went to meet with Ray in an open room, practically empty except for a few white-washed tables and a vending machine, I felt strangely secure. Ray was so welcoming, open, and friendly. I remember him asking about my brother and I, Ray recalling our grades, what we were learning about, what was important in our lives then. I quickly began to forget where I was and settle into what I thought of as a stranger’s dwelling.  

            I look forward to learning more about a stereotyped, hidden, influential, consumptive, and detrimental aspect of our society and the womyn who are locked away inside this unjust system.