October 9, 2015 - 16:24
Two years before I was born, in the summer of 1995, Cheryl Strayed sat in a hotel room, filled a gigantic pack, and began her journey.
The book opens as Strayed has just lost one of her boots—it’s catapulted into the air and disappeared into the wilderness below. Realizing the futility of keeping only one boot, she throws the other after it and comes to another realization as well; she has to keep walking. As Strayed concludes, “It didn’t matter… I was in this alone” (6).
Alone.
In American English, alone is commonly taken to mean one of three things: either separation from others (isolated), to the exclusion of others (only), or considered without reference or comparison to others (unique). Strayed’s memoir explores each of these definitions, but as with the dictionary definitions, her alone-ness is largely based in the relationships she holds with others.
This idea of isolation/non-isolation in relation to others is introduced early on in the book, as Strayed mentions that “My mother was in me already” (19). She isn’t alone emotionally on the trail because, as illustrated through flashbacks, the relationships and their impacts come along with her. Although she appears isolated physically and people treat her as such, she is not… there is a gap between physical companionship and emotional connection.
We see Strayed’s description of both in the memoir, as well. This is most evident when she describes her sexual encounters before the PCT, “…all that intimacy with people I didn’t love, and yet still I ached for the simple sensation of a body pressed against mine, obliterating everything else” (31). But she takes pains to note that this is not the same as emotional vulnerability and connection, stating “I’m… capable of being detached…” (131). There is an odd contrast between her being physically with someone and yet emotionally not with them at all. While she yearns for physical closeness and the “obliteration” that it brings, she remains in other ways very distant. Aloneness, it seems, is not simply isolation.
We see this in her writing as she begins the PCT, but as she continues on her journey, the concept of aloneness begins to change. Especially notable is the fact that she is consciously choosing to be alone, to the exclusion of others. At one point she refuses the companionship of other hikers “I can’t… because the point of my trip is that I’m out here to do it alone” (122). When questioned about this, Strayed says that alone, she’s “free. I get to do whatever I want to do” (151) and without the ties of other individuals, she is, indeed, free.
And yet, as we discover, she isn’t completely—she still actively seeks out civilization, going out of her way to talk to people, because a part of her appears to need that interaction. Perhaps this is a basic human desire, the seemingly opposite craving for both freedom and companionship. If aloneness isn’t defined simply by separation and connection, it also can’t be defined by liberation and community.
As the memoir continues, we see Strayed explore both the wild and her past, and this culminates in a new realization of aloneness. Her mother told Strayed that she’d “never just been [her]… always done what someone else wanted [her] to do”. And in a somewhat sad twist, Cheryl has never exactly been in the driver’s seat of her own life either. While she has more choices than her mother did, she seems to follow the next impulse and fail to look beyond her immediate desires. Until the PCT.
Backpacking the Pacific Crest Trail alone brings a myriad of different small realizations to Strayed. “I felt fierce and humble and gathered up inside” (234), she relates, saying she cries not because she’s sad or angry or happy, but because she’s “full” of experiences. This sense of contentment means that her aloneness becomes more of a conscious choice. As the book continues, she states that “for once I didn’t ache for a companion” (299), an important contrast to her earlier desire for closeness. She is not looking for someone to complete her, because she is complete on her own.
Finally, as Cheryl Strayed nears the end of her journey, she states that “it felt good to be alone” (306). While alone formerly referred to isolation, lack of closeness, and inner emptiness, it has taken on a new meaning—that of choice, of independence and fulfillment. Although her life centers around relationships for most of the memoir, the growth that she experiences leads her to realize that she is separated by choice, and that she is herself even without others.
Alone.
Works Cited
"alone." Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. 09 Oct. 2015. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/alone>.
"Alone." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 9 Oct. 2015. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/alone>.
Strayed, Cheryl. "Wild." Emily Balch Speaker Session. Goodhart Theater, BMC, Bryn Mawr, PA. 08 Oct. 2015. Lecture.
Strayed, Cheryl. Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail. New York: Vintage Books, 2013. Print.