December 15, 2015 - 21:22
When I am tagging all my paper as web events, I start my reflection automatically. As I click in and reread all my papers written in this semester, I have a special and fascinating emotions. I feel like I’m a spectator and witness the progress of myself in this class.
My first paper cannot be called as a paper: there are no thesis, no structure, and no clear supportive ideas. It seems that I put all my thoughts related to this topic together and give them a title. When I wrote this paper, I felt confused myself. I did not know how to expand the topic and related it with the readings assigned in class. Besides the papers, the readings were demanding even in the first week. I felt stressful, especially when I heard one of my classmates spent forty minutes to finish the reading with many interesting comments, and I spent up to two hours and cannot understand what the author wants to say. In addition, I was completely silent in the classroom. I did not know what to say, and I found it was difficult for me to insert into the heated discussion even though I prepared a lot and want to say something. I was stopped by the fear to be judged and to say something naive or wrong. I worried about my ESEM a lot, and I thought seriously to make it pass/fall at the first several weeks.
Things and changes happened automatically—I use automatically because I really don't know why does these changes happened. I felt I gradually immersed in the environment of this class. Even though I am not aware of the exact reasons of my progress, I’m able to describe the process in details as they are so clear memories for me.
As a typical “math and science” girl, I never thought I would be so interested in literature. To be honest, I never read a book in English besides the books recommended for the SAT test, thus I just started reading in English in this class. At first, I’m a passive reader. I never thought about the materials when I read them; instead, I passively take in the information and simply forget most of them at the end of my reading. However, I learned how to take notes add comments while I’m reading, and that really helps me a lot to actively absorb the information. Even though I’m not a good reader now, I found my strong interest in novels when reading All Over Creation. I think my lack of interest in reading does not mean I do not like reading, it is more like I did not reach this place before so I don't know if I like it or not. And that encourages me to take more literary classes.
I also like the papers we wrote in this semester. I remembered the surprised tutor in writing center when I went to discuss the 10th paper with her, and it was really funny when she asked me several times to make sure that this was the “tenth” paper. Even thought they were demanding, they really helped me to think and reflect what I learnt from the readings and class in each stage. Monday post always pushed me to think and to raise questions that I did not think about while I’m reading. And the Friday night posts made me think more deeply. At first, I found the topics and prompts are so open and I felt uncertain about the perspective I chose because I got used to write something based on a specific thing. However, I loved the free spaces in every prompt as time went by. The unlimited topics made it possible to bring my very personal thoughts into my paper, and I felt so fascinated to read other’s post every week because the multiple ways to think about the same issue open up new horizons for me. I also took Anne’s suggestion to go to the writing center frequently and the tutors gave me a lot of helps about how to brainstorm and how to develop my essay. In my first meeting with Anne, we spent all the time on my messy structures and grammar mistakes, but in the last conference, we were able to take about the thoughts and the interesting ideas in it.
I have to say I’m not the part of active students in class, but I made some progress during this period and shifted form a complete listener to a speaker to some extent. If my involuntary silence was due to the fact that I was afraid to say in front of others at the beginning of the class, in the later stage, I could express my ideas freely in this class. I still remembered the first thing I talked in class, which is the sarcasm in One Who Walks Away From Omelas, I was so nervous that I mis-pronounced the word “sarcasm”. That was both wired and meaningful for me as it is my first try.
I learned a lot from being both a listener and a speaker. Being a listener gave me opportunities to learn from my classmates and being a speaker made me engage in the fascinating ideas discussed in class and generate new thoughts. I especially like the debates and the collision of disparate ideas. I always felt I need to read more and think more when I found I was easy to be persuaded and felt uncertain between two ideas. In addition, I got a lot of interesting ideas from the causal talks with other classmates after class. When we were eating in the dining hall or on the way back to dorm, the small talks always inspired me with my writings.
I learned a lot about identity and environment in this class. I was attracted by ecological intelligence and the idea that everyone and everything is linked together. I learned how to think in a more comprehensive way and I’m trying to apply the ideas in my other works. Linking ecological intelligence and economics made me explore more in economics and have stronger interests in this social science.(That also can be explained by ecological intelligence.) Also, the questions about identity and context are long-lasting and still confusing to be in some cases, but I will keep thinking about them and reflecting them on my academic works and personnel life.
ESEM is far more than a writing course for me. It is the first discussion-based class in my entire life due to the difference in education system, and I regard it as my first class in Bryn Mawr as I touch the surface of the liberal art education through this class. What I learn form this class is much more beyond the skills of reading and writing as well as the contents in the materials and activities; I learn how to challenge my thoughts, the writer’s thoughts and how to think critically in this process. I feel I created a pattern to write and even think in the way in the last 16 years and I felt comfortable with it because I did not need to struggle so much to be “creative”. And I can get good scores using this pattern as well. However, I firstly realized that I need break my wall because I’m not able to generate new thoughts within it. It will take a long time, and I’m still trying, but I really enjoy this process and I will bring it into my other classes in the future.
Everyone in the class helps me a lot to learn better. All my classmates are so creative and critical, and they create a fascinated environment in this class. I also really appreciate Anne’s help in this class. She encourages me in a compelling but comfortable way to make me voluntarily want to try in class. After she told me that not talking and haring your ideas is not fair to your classmates because they cannot learn from you in the second meeting, I stared forcing myself into the discussions. Besides the notes taken on class, I also create a from called "Does Alison Speak In Class?” to record if I talked in the class. I answered "Yes" if I spoke, “YEAH!” if I spoke voluntarily instead of being called and “No” with red ink if I did not speak at all. When I see there is many spaces separated by the red areas, I felt guilty and prepared more in next class. That is wired but very effective. I also love her way to begin the conversation with “How are you?” and “How's it going?” in every meeting; it really made me relax and want to share more with her, not only the material in class and my writing, but also my life and other thoughts. I feel a special intimacy with Anne, even though we did not talk so much. I remember one meeting when I talked to her that I was so eager to get a good score and sometimes just forget the original goal of study. She replied me patiently and we spent near half of the meeting talking about the choices of class. Even though I talked this problem with my dean and my peer mentor as well, I feel Anne can comfort me with several simple sentences. I think that is because I leaned how to open myself and face the complex problems related to my identity and environment from my heart with her help in this class.
I don't think I’m emotional in most circumstances, but I can't stop this sentimental feelings when I’m writing this reflection as I felt that is the formal ending of my ESem. I never thought I would be so interested in this class and make such a big progress at least to myself; just as I never thought I would be attracted by literature before I attend this class. In the end, I was so grateful for all my classmate, all the experience in this class and I feel so lucky to be here, to learn these things and change in this way.