May 11, 2016 - 00:02
My understadning of disability has changed drastically since I began the semester because the only understanding I had was personal. My sister, my mother and I have each had experience with disability in our lives, so I have always lived in the cure-model. The idea that disability was socially constructed was crazy to me. Simi Linton's two hand model, showing the closed fist as disability and the open one as society, showed me that our focus has been completely wrong. We don't need to 'fix' the disabled population so they fit the mold of society, it is the other way around. This fact, honestly, has changed me as a learner, thinker, writer, and person and I will carry it with me throughout the rest of my academic and personal life.
The Disability History helped me ground my understanding because I could see where all of our prejudice was rooted from. We have, unfortunately, deviated greatly from the ways of the indigenous tribes. These tribes saw what we would now call disablity as special. Everyone has a purpose and no matter what your ability was, you had something to teach the tribe. I loved that this was the opening to the history of disability because this is where I hope we can get back to. I want to live in a society where diversity is cherished and celebrated and I have more hope knowing that there was a society that did that. Another way that my understanding of disability was drastically shifted was when we read/listened to Eli Clare. The intersectionality between race, gender, sexuality, social class, and disability was revolutionary to me. Oppressed populations are all targeted because they threaten the social constructs of the majority. We have fought back against these constraints in areas like race and gender but we have not even scratched the surface for disability rights. Seeing the parallel struggle of all of these oppressed groups opened my eyes to the fact that society, as it is constructed today, is unacceptable. Between destructing the cure-model, seeing the roots of disability, and learning about intersectionality, I was overwhelmed. Within the first few weeks my world was a bit rocked and I am so happy for that.
Learning for me happened in many places. When I read alone I was able to absorb information and stories and have time to process. I needed time to emotionally experience some of these texts and I was grateful to be able to do that without a time constraint. When I posted on Serendip I was able to filter through my thoughts on the readings, which were often mangled and disorganized, and pick out the threads that I wanted to explore. When we were in class I was able to flesh out some ideas and questions that I had while getting to listen to the perspectives and thoughts of my classmates. Honestly, the exact compilation of students in this class was fantastic. Between everyone and their varied expertise I got so much more out the texts and the discussions. We had pre-med people who were able to bring us back to questioning the cure-model. We had a gender studies expert who always added the dimension of gender and sexuality to our discussions. Natalie was key to understanding how to work with people with intellectual disabilities and those at CCW in particular. And those are just to name a few! Tons of my learning happened when we all came together because everyone brought something so unique to the discussion. And, of course, learning happened while working with the CCW participants. I think, overall, in class and at CCW were the spaces where I pushed myself the most. I was constantly challenged in class to see other perspectives that I hadn't considered originally. I was always checking what language I was using and learning terms that I hadn't even thought existed before. CCW was honestly terrifying the first time we went. I was obsessed with not saying the wrong thing or not being able to understand someone. However, I learned to kind of enjoy that discomfort as time went on because relationships were fostered in those moments when I felt vulnerable. I used my notebook as an outlet for all my feelings where I would not feel judged. It is sometimes hard in a class like this to always say or do the 'right' thing. I have caught myself using terms like normal and had to backtrack to say what I actually meant. This class has forced me to re-wire a lot of my natural inclinations in my speech and vocabulary. And, I am still learning how to do that.
I think I pushed myself the most in class and at CCW in regards to feeling vulnerable and learning more. However, I think my lab notebook was the space where I may have pushed myself the most personally because I used it as a way to question myself. I would go back over moments during CCW when I handled something in a way that may not have been the most effective or even respectful. Some of these scenarios I would not have felt comfortable talking about with another person before I had gone over it myself. Each of these spaces were vital to my learning during this semester and my development as a more socially aware person.
As a reader, I learned that I need to take time to absorb material emotionally. I am not a robot. But, I often read through assignments in classes as if I was. I don't always connect myself to the pieces in front of me. However, it was impossible to disconnect yourself in this class because we all have a personal stake in this topic. I have family who are disabled, others in our class have loved ones who are disabled, my classmates were disabled, and I am disabled. There is no hiding from that when we read. I actually hope to take that with me through the rest of my career here because I learn so much better when I allow myself to emotionally connect to a text. I found myself becoming a more engaged and empathetic reader in all of my other classes as the semester went on.
I wish I had reflected more on my CCW experience with my classmates. There is such a hard balance between theory and practice and I wish I had spent more time asking how others tried to balance the two. For example, if I acted in a way with a CCW participant that theory would say was wrong but I knew we had made a connection and they were happy, what should I do? What do we do when theory doesn't pan out in a realistic and inter-personal setting? I wish I had asked more questions like this to my classmates during the time when we went to CCW to push myself to think about why I acted the way that I did and what would happen when I re-applied that to the theory that we learned.
As a listener my whole outlook has changed. I don't always listen to every single word someone says during a conversation. I can tune in and out and still maintain a great conversation. But, I could never do that with CCW. I learned how to listen with more of a purpose. Certain people would struggle to say one or two words, so I learned that I am not honoring those that cannot speak by not listening to the words that are said in their entirety. I learned to also be uncomfortable with silence and with asking people to repeat themselves.
Disability Studies is not some sort of niche topic. Honestly, the fact that so few classes touch on this in college and none did in high shcool is abominable. I will always apply this lens to every class I take and conversation I have. When I go to an event, I will try and analyze if it accessible or not. When I sit in class I will try to ask people to consider how the issue at hand would affect a neurodivergent person. Now that I know what I do about disability studies I am inclined to bestow the same questions and knowledge upon others.
I also want to gain more understanding of disability culture and try to expose myself to more of the music and art that comes from the disability community.
I leave this class a more informed student, more confortable disabled person, and a better person.