October 9, 2015 - 11:36
According to Greek mythology, Poena was the spirit of punishment. She was the assistant of Nemesis, the Greek goddess of revenge and they were set on this Earth to punish any mortal who had angered the gods. The word “pain” originates from the latin word poena meaning penalty. The original definition of the word pain is “suffering inflicted as punishment for an offence.” Although today we understand pain to be an emotion we have regardless of whether or not we did anything to deserve it.
Pain can be felt in a variety of different ways. Originally, it was difficult for man to understand internal pain, as they could only understand visible pain, like what Strayed’s mother dealt with. During her last days of living Strayed’s mother experienced a great deal of pain. She had enough strength to last only a day without morphine. This visible pain was very obvious, as she grew weaker and weaker. Strayed noted that her mother was “preoccupied with nothing but eradicating her pain.” And the only way she knew to do so was with high doses of morphine.
Strayed, however, endured a different kind of pain, an internal one. After her mother’s death she dealt with emotional issues that she wasn’t equipped to handle. She described this pain as feeing herself “splitting into two.” It was constant and even her loved ones couldn’t relieve her of it. She loved her husband and he loved her but her connection to him and his in-fractured life seemed to only increase her pain. Strayed’s pain was not visible but that did not make it any less damaging to her spirit than her mother’s visible pain. This pain was the kind that man did not understand. The kind that we still have a difficult time understanding, I believe, as we do not know of the “correct” way to deal with it.
There were many rituals that were used in order to relieve pain in ancient times. Healers would suck on “pain pipes” held against a person’s skull to “pull” out the pain. Cultures would cut holes in people’s heads to “let the pain out.” When drugs came into the picture, many thought the more the better” and people would be high off of drugs that would only last so long until the pain came back.
Strayed didn’t know how to deal with her pain. She believed the only place she could find her mother again was in her. In order to do so, she cheated on her husband, destroyed her marriage, distanced herself from her family, dropped her responsibilities to go on a trail, had sex with strange men, and even resorted to heroin. Her actions were holes that she cut into her head. They were her only way to eradicate the pain. If we go with the idea that pain is punishment for offence, these actions actually prolonged her pain. When Strayed did things that are typically frowned upon, she was increasing the pain she felt. When Paul visited her, he noted that she looked “different” and Strayed thought to herself that he was right. That heroin had made her different, and not in a good way.
Anyone who hasn’t done anything like Strayed would be quick to judge her. I found myself judging her when I compared my story to hers. I lost my mother when I was 12 years old. I didn’t have a month to say goodbye to her. I saw her one night and the next day I woke up to my father telling me she was dead. My sister and I had just lost the most important person in our lives. And yet we continued. I was angry at Strayed for not continuing, for not having gotten her degree as she had promised her mother. My sister lost our mother the summer before she went into college. She wanted to quit but she couldn’t. “She fought, “ I found myself thinking, “why didn’t Strayed?” But Strayed found herself after dropping her life for the trail. “What if heroin taught me something?,” Strayed thought to herself. She cut all of these holes in her head but she is okay now. I vividly remember the night my sister sat on the edge of her bed last year, crying, telling me that whenever she feels happiness again it disappears. She told me her pain doesn’t come in waves. She’s always in pain. She’s always mourning. Strayed admitted that she believes you can never get over your mother’s death. But it’s not constant for her anymore. So Strayed’s solutions to her pain, though problematic, worked for her.
Strayed may have cut holes into her head with how she dealt with her pain but my sister and I did no better. Our decision to carry on with our lives as if nothing had happened rather than to confront our issues was like drugs. It numbed us, but could only last so long until the pain came back. People read Wild and believe that Strayed took the easy route. That not giving up, that continuing to work is hard. But that’s not correct. What’s hard is facing the pain. What’s hard is realizing that you are not okay and choosing to do whatever it takes to make yourself okay. It’s easy to pretend you’re fine and continue living, to mask your pain with “drugs.” It’s hard to “cut holes” into your head and let the pain out.