class today. *late

Well, what do we say right? we are sitting in this weird circle of what I will called annoyance and i'm not even sure if thats the real word for it.  i am over the 360 outside of working on the project at hand, I am always counting down the days to Moniques class and our friday time as that seems the most useful. I am tired and drained when leaing the class and am not following or understanding what the learning objectives are for the other two classes. I, have not be afriad to be wrong ut that has always been met with " fear", "worry" or " hesitant". i have never been under the impression that I would be coming into the space as anything other Nyasa, black girl in the class. it is annoying that we keep getting to this place of trying to seperate our selves from something that is not. as was mentioned yesterday, like we know who we are and if we do not, please do that personal work. it is important to know theyself for life but also to have meaningful  conversations. and THAT is NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE FOUND IN A CLASSROOM. at least not in our classroom, with the readings we are doing and becausr as amaka has mentioned, it is not race as a knowledge we are speaking of but race as racism.

when we do talk about theories OF/ABOUT RACE maybe we can get there. we have to stop using race as LENS to view things as race is central to our world, our community and our class. to ignore that and to try to not mention is a diservice. at this point, i am not getting paid for this work.. hell none of us are, so its like not worth it at this point.

I have been questioning this choice to join the 360 from the very first week that I got here, I have been having time to wonder or hope that it will get better but it hasn't. i was looking forward to learning new things about race, in the way that I study race and I have not been met by the material, by my fellow students or the conversations. there has been very little time that i have actually be able to display the KNOWLEDGE i have, the readings I do, and so on. its really like, idk im annoyed and i dont want to do this/be here/im drained/im tried of sharing hurt and stories or having to play nice and be fake to make it. good god! i dont need classes to do this! i know how black i am. i know where i am.

I will also say maybe, we need to bring professor beard again to 'help' ( an interesting move i'd like to note) clean up/support the emotional weight of class. and properly clear things out/up so that we arent bringing this emotional mess to moniques class as she is always blindsided and forced to, like professor beard to bring everyone to together and bring the space together, ( again an interesting move.)

My expectations were too high.

so in conlcsuion to my 'rant' of sorts... f**k it. lets do this exhibition, lets make it wonderful, worthwhile and beautiful.