December 16, 2016 - 12:57
i've been avoiding this.
where you were when we began this 360° process, where you are now, and what’s been happening in between. How-and-what have you been learning? Where do you think that the edges of your learning now lie? In what ways has your understanding been expanded, challenged, or complexified in this 360°? Be sure to include reflections on the degree of your critical, active engagement with the portion of the cluster devoted to the creation of our exhibit.
I hadn't been worried about needing to prove my learning all semester, but last friday when Jody remarked in the campus center that I hadn't done any work, I began to realize how quickly narratives can shift.
when we began, i was dealing with a lot, so, i had a lot of sympathy for Anne and Jody when the classes weren't going well initially. more than that, due to the fact that i had worked closely with anne, and trusted her, i trusted that she understood that from the beginning, there were racial missteps that were all on her, that went back to making the syllabus. i had never worked with jody before, but having heard rave reviews from anne and from other students, i was sure she knew that she, too, understood the situation she had put us in from day one. it was this trust that confused me, as, each day, anne and jody moved further and further away from allyship and more and more towards oppressive behaviors.
all the while, i've been watching.
offering help
working within the bounds set by the class to try to make something happen.
but watching incredible racism all semester.
when called out, both professors did not take it well.
i learned.
it's been really hard to feel that way this semester,
to have to look back and see history differently.
now, i am deeply disappointed, and truly angry.
more than anything, i am angry that there has been no move towards an acknowledgement of what has happened,
that there is a notion of shared responsibility for the outcome of those classes.
i disagree.
the edges of my learning
i feel burned
edges ragged and charred
and yet, i am quite proud of my own work
i created many things I am truly proud of, and missed fewer classes than i ever have (2 all semester total).
i came to class every day ready to show up and tackle the challenge in front of us head on
i was deeply engaged in our curatorial work, and worked incredibly hard.
i pushed conversations about the exhibit, our cluster, and our shared experience.
i
worked
hard
the
entire
time.
and i know it's the activity,
but i hate being asked to "prove" it
to question my, "degree of critical active engagement"
where am i now?
better off.
i have a lot of processing to do, but also, college is over, now
i will have the time and space to think about it
yet in one month, every single other person from that class will go back to school
some with anne and jody again
in a prison
...
a month isn't long enough.
i learned so much in exhibiting africa
that i question,
as i have every year since I knew it existed,
anne and jodys work in prison.
i wonder if theres irony there, for them
i wonder if they would know what i'm talking about,
if they'd know anything about what we learned in exhibiting africa
so
its the women inside
that i'm really left with
what is that like for them
because i know what this was like for me
and it was not good.
but at least i get to go home now.