Breaking the Silence

I am never quite sure of where I am. Never lost, just not quite sure how to mark progress for a process that is not progress hierarchically, step by step, with clear instructions to fold tab A to fit it into slot B.

I met with Anne a couple of months ago to discuss a possible project based on a metaphor I had made. Ultimately it was too sprawling and exploratory for a webpaper, and possibly to harsh and critical of myself.

In season 6 of the new series of Doctor Who, there exists an alien called the Silence.

The Silence are always around on earth, and can be in any room or situation. However, you can only remember them as you are looking at them, or looking at a captured image of them. When you look away, you immediately forget that you ever saw them, or that they ever existed. In this way they can act as parasitic forces, never bothering to fight or struggle, but simply making suggestions which are usually enacted after the person forgets about the Silence, because they assume that the suggestions are their thoughts and ideas. If need be, the Silence can kill people.

It also makes for a terrifying viewing experience. Through a picture on a cell phone, the characters are able to remember and comprehend the concept of the Silence. In order for the characters to remember that they have seen or encountered a Silence, they make tally marks on their arms or faces.

The show is edited for the most part so that you experience their experience. This means that a character could be walking through an empty room, and when they reach the other side they are covered in black tally marks. You can imagine how terrifying this is.

So far, this has been my learning process with gender and sexuality. I learn all of these fantastic concepts intellectually, yet a long life of socialization and internalization prevents me from fully integrating these new thoughts into the rest of my life. I will enthusiastically affirm that I believe these things and I want them to be a part of my life and yet--there's somewhere that falls short. I assume people's pronouns when I see them. I do not ask everyone about their pronouns, but rather assume based on their visual appearance. In some of the cases that I choose to ask, I find that I was completely wrong. 

This happens all the time. I assume the gender of a stick figure based on the shape, or what kind of lines it has for hair. This happens especially for figures on street signs. We're pretty well established in an age where (in the U.S.) women wear pants. So why is it that a stick figure looks like it's wearing pants, I assume that it is a man?

So I started making tally marks on my arm for every time I made an assumption about gender, gender roles, sexuality, etc. One exception was that even though I ideally should have, I did not make tally marks every time I saw a person (because usually the visual suggests thoughts). For example, this was strike two:

I automatically assumed that the rider of the motorcycle was male (and I know I'm not the only one who did so, either). This process was further complicated by the Google Chrome app Jailbreak the Patriarchy. I had read a really touching, moving piece about women's reactions to men being raped, and it took me to the end of the piece to realize that the app was on and that it was a piece about men's reactoins to women being raped. Did I give it more credit at first for having an "interesting" view? For speaking out for those who couldn't speak up?

One of the rules for the (few hours) that I did this project was that I had to record everything. This means that if I was on my computer I either had to screen-capture images or type up the instance. Otherwise I had to write everything down.

For example: strike five? (four.five): thinking about the mall. thinking about victoria's secret. wondering if I would refer to it as being "women's" underwear

The other thing is that almost all of this, if not completely all of it, was happening inside my head. I wasn't saying anything or doing anything to let other people know that this was what was going on. I couldn't even think and be free from my socialization.

I did have one moment though. I was using Jailbreak the Patriarchy so much that when I walked in the library past the Women's Center/Rainbow Alliance section of books, there was a title called Man to Man, and I seriously questioned whether or not it actually said Man to Man or maybe it was really Woman to Woman, even if I couldn't see it right now.

I ended up having to stop so much to write things down that I didn't want to think anymore--I didn't want to see people, interact with people, see signs or posters. Sometimes I strived to keep my mind blank.

I found it torturous, especially since I was only doing it for about four hours. But on reflection, it was a fascinating learning experience. The edges of my learning have been constantly expanding and folding in on themselves. I learned that it is hard to actively work against the way you have been socialized. I have learned that while I am nowhere near an expert, I don't think anyone else is either. Learning is just as fluid.

Language is just as socialized and I think that needs to change. How? More words, maybe. Different forms of communication (which is why I'm so fond of visuals). Language is hard, communication is even harder. It still boggles my mind how anything ever happens or gets accomplished when I could spend my whole day thinking about the words I say to people and the way I say them and the vibe I give off. The difference between the way I talk to myself and the way I talk to others.

My learning process is definitely changing. The more I explore, the more I find ways in which I want to consume information and experiences. Art definitley is more open and interpretive, but is it because I finds words a lacking way to express myself? Or is it because when others view my work they give me more credit than is due? Sometimes I think it is because certain people have to words to caption what I mean. Other times they get it completely wrong. What can be understood between two people? What can be understood within the self without language creating that Lacanian gap?

Food. I understand that food is delicious and sensory and beautiful and immediate. Especially considering that this course started out as a dinner party, invoking the senses creates an immediate response for everyone. When we tasted salt, we all had a similar experience occurring on our taste buds. We only found out how different our experiences supposedly were when we tried to put them into words. 

Part of learning is exploring new options. To go along with that, I would suggest for the future a class day in which we weren't allowed to use verbal or written words (or, kept at a minimum). A whole class of charades. What kind of learning would get done? I bet people wouldn't easily forget it.