Looking Back and Forward

past: When I registered for this class at the end of fall semester, I put very little thought into my choice.  I knew when I wanted to be in class, and I knew that I had to take a humanities credit.  That was it.  Literary Kinds is where I landed.  Lucky me!  This semester, I’ve learned a lot about myself and the stories I love, and overall, I’m very proud of my work.  Coming in, this is what I knew about the combination of me and English: (1) I knew that I liked to read; (2) I knew that I didn’t like to write; (3) even though I didn’t like to write, I knew that I was capable of writing things that professors liked.

reading: Now that it’s the end of the semester, I feel like what I’ve learned could fill a book.   I’ll focus this exploration on two things, my reading and my writing.  First, reading.  When we read Persepolis, I “fell” into the story.  This was new for me, and initially, it was overwhelming.  It was overwhelming because I wanted this experience mean something meaningful, I wanted it to save the world.  Maybe it will, probably it won’t.   For now, I’m content knowing that creating space for falling in is the whole point of a good story.  The best stories are the ones that show you have a place in them.  Since reading Persepolis, I’ve realized how lucky I am to have read and listened to so many great stories throughout my life.  I’ve fallen into all of them.  

writing: Next, writing.  I wouldn’t say that I’ve learned to love to write, but I have learned how to use writing as a way to think rather than just a way to show that I have thought.  This was also new for me, and sometimes, it feels overwhelming too.  Writing is overwhelming when there's nothing I can do to make my fingers stop typing.  I compiled all the little bits of my writing from after spring break into a Google Doc.  I wrote more than I’ve ever written before, nearly 12,000 words.  Some of these words ended up on Serendip, some of them I sent out to the people that needed to read them, most of them were incoherent.  I can’t think of a good concluding sentence for this paragraph; probably I’m still moving.

why? For me, the turning point of the semester was the Breaking Project class.  I didn’t like it.  It felt like a challenge that was thrust on me, a challenge that I didn’t get to choose.  At camp, one of our mantras is: “challenge by choice.”  We avoid pressuring people to try new things, and instead seek to support them as them decide how to push themselves.  The growth that comes from challenge by choice is much greater than the growth which results from challenge by demand.  Since the Breaking Project class, I’ve thought a lot about my reaction to it.  I’ve realized that I did choose this challenge.  I kept reading, even though I could have stopped; I went to class, even though I could have skipped; and I posted about my experience, even though I could have checked out.  I chose to engage--it was hard.  In the end, it was worth it.  I fell into stories, I wrote a lot of words, I had a lot of fun!  In summer camp speak, this means that the next time I’m at the brink of a challenge, I might be able to draw strength from this experience, and maybe I’ll decide to take another risk.  Awesome.   

future: And finally, where are my “learning edges” now?  It’s hard to know...this semester, I’ve thought about my past.  I’ve learned a couple of new ways to explore it, and I’m more confident in my ability to figure out how I got to be the way I am.  What I don’t know is the future.  No one knows the future, I suppose.  My edge lies in figuring out how to trust myself and my communities enough to know that we’ll be able to figure out how to thrive in whatever comes next.  

evaluation: One of the things I’ve had to work on ever since I started talking, is how talk less.  I have a tendency to stubbornly monopolize conversation.  This was most apparent when we discussed truth and The War of the Worlds.  During these classes, I literally said the same thing over, and over, and over again.  Each time I spoke, I talked a little louder.  I thought the issue was that people couldn’t hear me.  I’m aware that this is absurd.  Of course everyone could hear me, they just listened differently.  I’m pretty sure that I’ll always have room to grow on this front, but I wish that I had pushed myself to work harder.  Maybe because I was too wrapped up in reading and writing I didn't have time left to think about and change the way I converse. 

I’m also a little disappointed with my final web event.  I spent time with it, but the length was daunting for me, and I sort of just ran out of time.  I had a million thoughts swimming through my head, and when I finally arrived at something interesting, there was no time left to probe it.  Finals happen.  I guess the major difference between my fourth web event and all the others, is that I had time to let the first three linger.  In writing the final one, I felt like I had to race to be done.  Working toward the end is not a productive way to go about exploring.