Checking In

Hello 360 folk, 

I have been thinking a lot lately on my newly adopted lax/quiet demeanor in class. The brevity of my past reflections have bothered me. As someone who prides themselves on my ability to center my work in emotional responses I find myself choking on the words. I feel like I have been set up to fail in this course. I don't agree with traditional canons of education, I think the "radical pedagogy" we discuss/ pump into "needed areas" does additional damage that those enabling such discussions can't step back to realize, I hate the lack of constructive time management in intensive programs (like our 360) that don't allow the participants processing time, I hate feeling like I need to censor myself in order to preserve a grade.  Most of all, I am deeply disturbed that my grade is dependent on forms of engagement that leave me, among others vulnerable. I don't want to give all of myself in order to be counted as an active member of this class. I don't want to flatten the daily anxieties I have coming to our classroom within a serendip post either. I don't want to add to the experience ATMs that have begun on this public education forum.

We have allowed for an infestation of passive aggressive disrespect to grow in a space I opted into to avoid such attitudes. I notice all the glances, notes, chuckles, and eye rolls. I have kept a running track of the times I haven't even been addressed by some of the members of this 360 outside of the classroom, and I want to say it is just inconsiderate to the stories people share in this space. Respect flows both ways. I am doing what I can to reconnect, but I can't believe in finding a high level of comfort will be found in this space. I say this not in a direct response to the people in the class (though y'all aren't completely removed), but in recognition that the academy was not made for that. I can't say I was someone who wanted to go to college. It was only presented as a way out from the hole I was born into, but have decided to stay because I realize there is a world my eyes were unable to see before coming to college. Im thankful everyday to have met the people I have, seen the things Ive seen, etc, but it has not been easy to stay here. I am asking for people to think of a few things as they go through the rest of this 360:

What kept you/ got you interested in this work? How do you define the work you are doing here?

How do you want people to see you? 

I know I want to be seen as Olivia, but not removed from being a Black, queer, working class gal on the up and up. My thoughts stay on the dark side, I am constantly reflecting on my actions/positionality like most Libras do...as most people should be doing. I also struggle to say no out of a fear of missing out on an opportunity I may never get offered again.

What was the last thing you did for yourself? 

Are you sleeping enough? Did you call someone to tell them thank you? 

I thank my mom and dad a lot for all they did and didnt do. 

What do you feel like is missing from today? What did you do to find it?

These are kinda silly, but it doesnt seem like we are prioritizing our mental stability in the recontextualizing of race we are trying to do. None of us are above exerting pain on anyone in the room. Even if you don't mean to hurt someone it doesn't mean you repeatedly shout "I didn tmean it". Say sorry and ask how to be better. Not everyone will have the same needs. You will have to tailor their reuests to what you can actually do, but being transparent about your efforts is helpful. The "I" seems to be neglected at times. What is my personal position? This is my mini late night rant. Thank you all for listening when you do.