360 Self Evaluation

Initially when I was discussing writing my reflection with Anne, she suggested that I write one for both the 360 and Ecological Imaginings because so many of my connections in both classes were deeply intertwined with one another. I ultimately decided against this because I wanted to give both classes distance from one another because there are many ways in which I also see the points at which they do not intersect. However, it was not until I was looking over my posts on Serendip to do my reflections that I could really visually see the ways in which the 360 course cluster and my Ecolit class overlapped. Many of my connections to Ecological Imaginings were finding the ways in which the Environment movement is racially and class exclusive, something I had never realized or encountered before. My concept of the way nature affects people significantly influenced how I perceived the Prison environment. One of the other connections I began to make toward the end of the course was between Jody’s education course and Ecolit revolved around divergent thinking and “play.” I began to wonder if the ways in which we are taught to focus in school, and filter out divergent thoughts was not ecologically friendly because we are taught to filter out of the “distracting” environment as well.

I’m not sure yet if I will be able to see the difference in my writing throughout the semester until much later. I was actually somewhat terrified actually read my earlier writings in the semester, which shows me I’m still not quite as confident as I think I’ve become. As I forced myself to look at my writing, I realized that I’ve definitely had some ideological shifts in thinking. While I started out the semester very preoccupied with “silencing” myself in order to better exist in a more present sense and to be a better listener to the environment. I wanted help myself let go, to lessen the amount of anxiety I felt when I wasn’t attempting to control the experience I was having. However, I’ve found that what I was doing wasn’t loosening my control; I was just adopting another form of control by trying to force myself into something. Fast forward: looking at my 360 project reflection, one of the aspects I wrote about most enjoying was being able to have a loose discussion, one that could be fluid and take whatever form it ended up being. I wanted to record something real, and not constructed. Looking through my posts, I can’t yet tell where I made the jump. Somewhere along the way though, I stopped worrying about controlling whether or not I was being controlling. Somewhere along the way, “being present” stopped being a concern because I did feel present. I felt involved on campus, I felt invested not only in where I was going but in where I was in the current moment. I began to believe in divergent thinking; with the realization that I’ve been fighting something that is much more natural than “focus” ever was for me. I’d always felt like I was good at making connections, but I have never felt as much interconnectedness between things as I do now. I think in letting myself go a little bit, I was able to let myself do what feels the most natural to me, and follow my thoughts instead of fighting them. However, I definitely felt like there were ways in which my sense of time management (an already difficult task) took a hit from my “letting go.” Many of the posts I wrote this semester took me several hours to write because I would keep following my thoughts, until suddenly it was 11pm at night and a good portion of my other work was still not done. I spent a lot more time writing all over my texts, filling up the margins with ideas and commentary… but end up having to spend significantly more time with my reading than I had to spend. There a lot of ways that I wish that I had been less busy so that I could put that amount of energy into the things I enjoyed doing or found interesting while still having time for the rest of my life, not to mention sleep and “play.” I really engaged with readings like Brothers and Keepers, but it was actually one of the readings that I could not finish. The text seemed so rich to me that I couldn’t help but stop and write down what I was thinking.

I spoke a little about working in a group in my project reflection as well, because I felt like the dynamics of the 360 definitely influences how we worked together. I felt much more comfortable talking and making decisions with my 360 classmates then I ever felt in a group project. I’m not sure I’ve even done a real group project since I was very young, and I was usually the silent person in the group. However, with this group of people I felt like I was heard and I actively tried to be both a good listener. I’m not sure yet what my role has been in class. I know for me, class time has been the reason to why I feel more confident when I speak. I believe me when I talk now, and I feel much less uncertain. I very rarely preface my class contributions with phrases like “I’m not sure if this is what you’re looking for…” or “this probably doesn’t make sense…” or “I’m not really sure about this but…”. Instead I feel much more comfortable claiming my words, and being an active presence in class. I feel like this is because we also worked hard to affirm one another in class, to respond to each others’ ideas in ways that did not shut each other down but encouraged us to think about it in another way. While I loved these things about our class, I also felt extremely responsible to the 360 in a way that I haven’t felt with a class before. This is one of the reasons I chose to send out a class-wide apology for missing our group history class with Jody.

I have many conflicting feelings about the Cannery, and I wrote about a lot of them in my final memo for Barb’s class. I really enjoyed our time spent there, despite discomfort at times. I feeling unsure of how yet to analyze or think critically about these feelings, which I think is a sentiment a couple students in our 360 have also voiced. I didn’t feel like I pushed myself out of my comfort zone in the prison enough, but I also recognize that one of the reasons I can see that is because of the act of “reflection” and through distance. I definitely remember times that I felt uncomfortable, and times that I didn’t feel like I was making enough connections with the women in the Cannery. I also remember feeling at a loss many of these times for how I could go about making those connections. It wasn’t until later, when I replayed conversations in my head that I really began to imagine other roles that I could’ve taken on, or things that I could have said. I definitely think the conversations in which women seemed like they began to name institutional factors without really naming them could have been possible openings for me to engage in a way that I never tried to with the women from the Cannery. There are ways in which I’m not sure if I would have been able to connect at all, mostly because what I realized is that I am very academic in a lot of ways. I like to sit and talk about academics. What I’m pursuing in classes generally also makes up the content of the conversations I feel like I have on campus. I’ve been branching out from that more toward the end of the semester, but my first thoughts of engagement always turn to academia in someway.

I’m beginning to feel lost already knowing that my classes will not be in a course cluster and that I will not be attending class in jail on Fridays. The 360 has been such an incredible experience, and I felt like I had so much more room to explore. I want to continue to find connections between my classes, and hopefully after this experience I will begin to find them in places I was not expecting again. I hope that I can carry the confidence I’ve found with this group into my other classes. I hope that I can continue to follow my divergent thoughts but learn a little bit more balance, and find ways to leave myself time to play.