Unbinding Myself to Blossom

No matter what my reasons for taking this class were originally, I'm very glad I did. I've grown a lot as a person in the past 6 months - over the course of the summer and this semester. This class helped me become comfortable with who I am. I'm queer, I've known that for a while. I used to be afraid to tell people, afraid of what someone would think. But I've come to realize that my sexuality does not define me as a person. My queer-ness is a part of me, this fact is true, but it does not dictate anything else about me.

I entered the class, unsure of what to expect. Gender. Sexuality. Feminism. I thought I knew what those words meant. I was wrong. I explored these ideas in connection with myself and those around me. I took my learning outside of the classroom often as I brought up topics from class to the dinner table, to crew and track practice, to walking around campus with friends. I found myself googling topics we had discussed in class, finding articles and videos, some of which I shared with everyone else via Serendip. To me, learning should extend far beyond the four walls of the classroom into reality. And for me this class did.

It is true I did not speak as often in class as I would have liked to. But as a part of my journey this semester, I was exploring parts of me that had been hidden away. Yet also parts of me that I hid behind. And as my walls began to come down, I felt vulnerable. Being completely honest, I was afraid to speak in class. I had many thoughts on the topics that we discussed in class, but did not speak up because I feared if I spoke up then someone would call me out on what I said and everything I had been working hard to build upon would come tumbling down. Thus, I used Serendip as a way to express myself. I was liberal with the amount of posting and comments I made. Serendip became my voice when I was afraid to speak in the large group of the class. However, when we had smaller groups, I felt more comfortable and spoke much more. The small groups were where I opened up to others, as they did to me, which was an encouraging experience.

Even though I am open to the ideas of queering and cripping time, I obliged by every deadline set this semester. Except for one. My third web event was turned in a few hours late, simply because I struggled with that paper. I discovered this idea while conversing with my friend who attends Wabash, an all-male college; yet when I sat down to plan and write the paper, my idea fell apart, as evidenced by how it did not flow or come together in the manner I anticipated. However, in my true resilient fashion, I used my struggles from my third web event to power my final web event in which I wrote a lesson plan for a three hour seminar on gender and sexuality inclusion as a part of the Wellness course at Bryn Mawr College. I truly enjoyed writing my final web event, It was fascinating to think about how I can change this college for the better, to make it a more inclusive place. Because although Bryn Mawr is progressive, it is not as accepting nor as diverse as it can / should be.

In terms of the readings, I approached the "My New Gender Workbook" with caution. Perhaps it was the name, the suspicion that in college I would still have a workbook. I did not grow to enjoy the workbook, although I did grow to accept its significance, especially as the semester progressed. I understood why that very accessible book had begun the semester. Two readings I also found very accessible, and thought provoking were Persepolis and The Doll's House. Before these two, I'd never read a graphic novel before. These two texts have opened my eyes to how visuals can teach one as much as words, if not more.

For my first web event, Anne suggested some of Judith Butler's work to me. I found it fascinating! Although after reading it, I realized why theory was not thrown in front of ours faces in this class. A lot of feminist theory is not accessible without some serious time and effort. Yet I found many of the books we read in class equally enlightening as Butler. The books were longer than Butler's articles, but written in a more understandable fashion. One book I particularly enjoyed was Exile and Pride. This book helped me be honest with myself, so that I could be honest with everyone else about who I am. Reading these words, feeling the isolation speak to me through the pages, knowing that's how I felt. Then realizing I had the agency to change that isolation. I connected with Clare, every struggle he endured to be queer within the constraints of a society who pushed back against every move he made to be recognized, to be respected. His struggles were my struggles. But he fought through them, and was confident enough in himself to write a book.

I may never write a book like Clare, but I will never hide behind the expectations of others again. I fight against my own expectations that I set, I do not need the expectations of what I should be doing or acting or saying to pressure me. I think my final web event vocalizes how far I have come. My first web event was about me, discovering me, being proud of me, a rebellion from the boundaries and regulations society set on me growing up. In my second web event, I had expanded from me to the interactions between people. How certain interactions are empowering, while others suppress our culture whether our culture be our sexuality, our race, our beliefs, etc. My final web event pushed past myself and my hopes for others, it pushed into a plan of action. While discussing this idea with Anne, during our meeting she said I was not afraid of a challenge and that I enjoyed the difficult topics. When writing my final web event, I knew this statement to be true. I knew nothing about education or a lesson plan, yet that realization did not stop me from going full steam ahead into uncharted waters. I loved the inquiry, the discovery, the investigation to create a product I am proud to call my own.

I take from this class I greater understanding of myself. By understanding, accepting, and being proud of who I am, I am passing it on. I am not afraid to strike up a conversation (over food, of course!) about the patriarchy, oppression, sexuality, and any other topic on feminism that strikes a nerve with me. This semester I unbound myself. That is what my banner picture represents. It is a nature photograph from the shop MyAntartica on Etsy. It illustrates flowers unrestricted from the chains they intertwine with, and just as the flowers use the wire as vines to grow up, I am going to use the bounds that once held me blossom.