identity, races, looks

I had intended to write about my experiences and problems in living with my races, but in the course of these few days and comments the whole problem has settled into place and I find I have plenty of work to do, no longer the emotional override, just work.  The 'good' qualities of my races and class are firmly included in my identity.  I realize that all the things that make me uncomfortable or angry are the negative stereotypes which are not included in my conscious identity.  As I have been lookiing at these things, I sometimes deny that a certain quality is aplicable to me.  I look a little more deeply, and there it is or was at some time, but never accepted as possibly Me.  It was suggested that I look at some of the negative qualities that don't bother me.  And sure enough, these are all things I know that I have been or done or do. 

The biggest surprise has been that I absolutely reject any identification with mixed-blood Guatemalans.  And mixed-blood is what I am!

My work then is to include all aspects of my two races and of my mixed race in my identity.  And of my class.  And of my sex.  Of my HUMANITY, right?

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As I lay down to rest after lunch yesterday and was drifting off,  I suddenly KNEW why my looks bother me and came wide awake.  This has been the way my unconscious psyche has helped me to counteract the world-view of white-being-better.  The unconscious psyche has a bad press, in general but I find that it always supports me in the direction I want to go.  My Aquarian need for equality had demanded something to counteract the constant bombardment of white superiority that I met every day.  This morning I was able to look at my face without emotion.  The only thing that truly bothered me was the blotchiness of my skin --- something I associate with poor health.  After a life of transparent eyebrows I am developing very thick, bushy eyebrows, light auburn now, but clearly going to be dark auburn in a few years.  The yellowish color against my ruddy complexion is a bit startling.  But I react with more curiosity than anything else, now that I really looked at them.