When I was growing up, my sister and I could not have looked anymore alike visually. We had the same eyes, lips, hair type, skin tone, shoe size and much more. At the core, we were identical twins. Stylistically however, we were polar opposites. As a way to individualize ourselves from one another, we developed different tastes in clothing, toys, books, and expression.  Justine was the tomboy, I was the girly girl.  I loved pink, Justine hated it. Even with all of these differentiations however, we could never get rid of the fact that we were identical twins. We could make it a little less obvious, but that label would never completely go away. Not that we wanted it to, we enjoyed the benefits that came with being twins and enjoyed our similarities as well as our differences. However, the inability for us to be together without a label that neither one of had chosen nor could get rid of made for some hard times when it came to establishing ourselves as separate people. My sister and I’s failure to create identities completely independent of each other makes me question whether our identities as human beings are relational?

“I guess I think that maybe perhaps if you want to hear to my opinion, but I’m no expert, so I’ll make it brief…” is not an uncommon way for me to preface what I have to say. I am a strong believer that a five-minute-long disclaimer is enough to protect me from any criticism whatsoever. I believe strongly in a lot of other things, too (for one, I consider myself a feminist), but you wouldn’t know it from the way I talk. I sit there biting my fingernails, taking in what others have to say, feeling that their thoughts are much more intelligent and valid than my own. I dread being called on and sharing what I have to say, the best case being that I just said something painfully obvious and the worst case being that I said something completely wrong. I fear judgment. I fear criticism. I fear being wrong. Luckily, I’m not alone in my fears. My fear of speaking out is shared not only by other women, but many people who are marginalized by society. Fear limits self-representation to a self-preserving performance, making us unable to represent ourselves as we wish to be represented.

Relational Definitions of Ourselves

When our professor proposed the idea of making an anti-self portrait, I questioned the idea because I doubted my drawing ability and I struggle with looking at myself. I am scared of what I will find there. However, when Laura Swanson mentioned it could be any medium, I realized that I am not the kind of person who can be represented by a picture, but by words. The words I chose are all inspirational quotes and lyrics either about keeping going even when it is hard, standing up for what you believe is right, or just enjoying life. The outline of the woman is a representation of me, surrounded by all of the inspiration, facing whatever challenges are coming my way and enjoying life. It is purposefully an incomplete picture of me because I defy many categories that people attempt to put me into.

I didn’t expect anyone to take notice of my self-portait when Laura Swanson came to visit. A screenshot of a Tumblr customization page, it felt simple, despite the meaning I had given it, but when I spoke with others, they understood what I had meant. Tumblr, like many social media, stands at a peculiar intersection between personal thought and private identity, allowing users to specifically tailor their blogs to express the particular representation they choose at the time. Among women, it has a particular following; as stated by Niels van Doorn’s team: “The traditionally ‘feminine’ act of diary writing…is adopted by both men and women, challenging the traditional understanding of technology and the Internet as masculine territories.” Thus, it allows for a specific niche where users of any gender can express themselves in the manner that they choose. Through Tumblr, when one has the opportunity to match an identity to a real life face, it can express hidden facets of a personality one is unable to share in daily physical contact, allowing a kind of freedom for users using it to get away from their typical life.

A fact about owls: their eyes are fixed in their sockets, which means they must turn their entire head to see in a different direction. Like the owl, we often only see what is presented in front of us, but sometimes we must turn our heads in order to gain a fuller perspective of the people and world around us.

Part of the Bryn Mawr College mission “seeks to sustain a community diverse in nature and democratic in practice” believing that “considering many perspectives we gain a deeper understanding of each other and the world.” It is through engaging with others who are different from us that we can broaden our perspectives and reshape our choices. One way in which the College tries to represent their diversity is through their website; a medium readily accessible to millions around the world. However, the representation of diversity displayed on the Bryn Mawr website, through photos, statistics and language is incongruous to the actual representation on campus. This discrepancy is misleading to prospective students and the false idea about what the college presents itself as cherishing is detrimental to the wellbeing of all members of the college community.

A Little History First

I thought you'd find this amusing.

Good Cop, Dadaist Cop

As a mother I thought it would be a little bit strange to work with kindergarteners who are not my own. But the staff at our school, and all the wee ones have made it all feel incredibly natural. In addition I have gained a new, perspective about the life my son leads every weekday at school.
We have, as a group, been able to formulate a plan, and begin implementation in a smooth consistent way; not just because of the cooperation of the group and the school staff, but because we have been able to share scheduling, and ideas using google docs. It has saved us time and allowed us to work on the fly.
My apprehension about using tech is less about privacy, but more about how difficult the internet intentionally makes it for one to stay on task. The idea of an ebook has led me down several interesting rabbit holes on the web. In the process, I am learning to develop efficient search strategies. Of course I am unsuccessfully trying not to follow every slightly interesting new link. The class itself has made me hyper aware of how much time I am using to do specific tasks on the internet. Though, finding a way to be consistently focused is something I have yet to develop. Yet, I am starting to feel like the internet may not be all that compatible with focus, and my idea of what it is to focus, and to learn is widening. Sometimes it feels really exciting and freeing to get caught down the rabbit hole.

I just changed my avatar name because I felt my previous name was too identifiable as me. My new avatar name is my middle name and my mother's maiden name. So it is still me, but a distanced version of myself. Yet, despite the distance my words on this blog are my own. But the distance is necessary because I do not perform (see my web event below for more information on performing for society) the same for everyone because I am afraid of the conservative, close-minded society I come from. When writing my web event, I struck a chord deep within me that I do not reveal to everyone in my life. And thus because this blog is a public forum, I do not want my resignification (again see my web event) to be revealed preemptively. I am not ready to face the music if certain people happen upon this forum and figure out it is me, then read all my postings. Instead I would rather do it in my own way and in my own time, because I am not ready for that time yet. Thank y'all for understanding.