Posting this today because I still have not found all the right words. I had referenced this poem in an earlier post, but am feeling the need to share the whole piece. I am currently wishing I could read this aloud to our group; I think the only way to translate how I feel when I read this would be to hear it in my voice. More importantly, when I read aloud, I can pretend, for a moment, the words are my own.

IX

Your silence today is a pond where drowned things live
I want to see raised dripping and brought into the sun.
It's not my own face I see there, but other faces,
even your face at another age.
Whatever's lost there is needed by both of us -
a watch of old gold, a water-blurred fever chart,
a key...Even the silt and pebbles of the bottom
deserve their glint of recognition. I fear this silence,
this inarticulate life. I'm waiting
for a wind that will gently open this sheeted water
for once and show me what I can do
for you, who have often made the unnameable
nameable for others, even for me.

The Olympics: Breaking the Gender Binary?

Imagine training your entire life for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: competing for your country in international competitions. You sweat, you grind through all of the workouts, you give up your life for this one amazing experience, you win gold, you stand before thousands of cheering fans, and see your dreams come true. A week later you are told that the gold medal you just won may be taken away because you are not a woman. This is exactly what happened to Caster Semenya after winning the 800-meter world championships in 2009. The International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) wanted to disqualify Semenya because they found that she does not have a uterus or ovaries and instead she has internal testes. Because of the testes, she produces three times the amount of testosterone as the average female, giving her an advantage because testosterone has “performance-enhancing effects, particularly on strength, power, and speed” ("IOC Regulations on Female Hyperandrogenism"). Caster Semenya grew up as a girl, never suspecting that she was any different than the any other girl. After going through a humiliating process where reporters questioned her potential motives for attempting to disguise her differences and people all over the world discussed her personal information, she was cleared and she qualified for the 2012 Olympics.

“I have thought that a sufficient measure of civilization is the influence of good women.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“...in other words, the position of woman in society determines the vital elements of its regeneration and progress...And this is not because woman is better or stronger or wiser than man, but from the nature of the case, because it is she who must first form the man by directing the earliest impulses of his character.” -- Anna Julia Cooper, A Voice from the South (1892) 

I begin with these two quotes about the importance of a society’s women to highlight the current condition of America as a result of how it has critically fallen short of protecting and caring for all of its women.  America fails to protect its women from an unhealthy rape culture, incarcerates women more than any other country, and fails to protect the country’s mothers by being the country with the highest infant mortality rate in the world. By failing to protect the country’s women and mothers, it fails to protect the country’s children and therefore the country’s future. In the midst of these downfalls, which only represent a few of the ways America fails women, historically, only a select group of women are considered valuable, and women of color, specifically black women, are left marginalized and fending for themselves -- and these are the women who make up a disproportionate amount of those affected by the failures aforementioned. 

Three months ago, with excitement and a little bit worry, I, an international student from China, came to the United States for the first time. Everything around was new for me, especially, the language environment. At the beginning, when I had to speak English all the time during my daily life, I felt awkward and tired. Even worse, I faced difficulties of various sorts in writing— sometimes, I faced culture collisions; sometimes, I misunderstand the meaning of words; sometimes, I clearly knew what I want to express, but when I started to type, I was trapped and even had no idea about how to build up my words into a shapely essay. Luckily, I joined Esem "Play in the City"this semester. Although it was not easy for me to read so many reading materials and write my essays every week, I, indeed, have to thank for those experiences because I learnt many precious skills of writing from them.

During this semester, we had at least seven trips to Philadelphia, which were all interesting and exciting. We explore the meaning of new definition we learnt in the readings in class; we visited museums; we watched plays; we took photos; and we absorbed knowledge and thinking a lot when we played and enjoyed ourselves.

 Rewrite Deep Play

I am in a daze, sitting in front of my laptop, my eyes staring at the photo of my little cousin Sam on the screen, thinking about that I would never notice that I did a kind of “ deep play” with him before without taking this course and reading the article by Ackerman.

Play is an activity enjoyed for its own sake, while deep play is the ecstatic form of play, which is a fascinating hallmark of being human. (Ackerman) With my own experience, I state the definition of deep play as a kind of play that not only bring fun, but also express something deep inside the players. During most of my playtime, I just have fun—search the Internet, play games or do some sports without think deeply and express anything from my heart. However, when I played hide-and-seek, the common game which seems may not be consider as a deep play, I thought much more than the game itself and did a deep play.

“Five, four, three, two, one …… I am coming!”

I still remember that it was my first time to play hide-and –seek with Sam, a five-years-old boy. I was a seeker and he was a hider. Actually, it was extremely easy for me to find him—he was hidden under the quilt and his back was like a little hill on the bed. Thus, I walked to the bed directly and opened the quilt quickly without any hesitation. I felt proud to be “clever” to find him while he looked a little bit embarrassed and upset. Looking at his bright eyes with depressiveness, I suddenly realized that I had made a mistake—I should not play this game so seriously.

When Kelly and I were discussing our presentation, we came up with an array of things that have totally impacted our relationship, or have had an overall greater influence on our lives. So we decided that we couldn’t be the only people that have enjoyed the class, missed an opportunity to give praise/thanks, want to ask a question, or just share your thoughts with each other. 

Also taking notes from our mid-course evaluation, and conversations about silence and speaking we wanted to find a way to hold a conversation that was “accessible”.  We both felt that after the mid-course evaluation not only, allowed for a productive conversation, but also illuminated the different ways and mediums we can use to speak.  

We decided to create FEMANOTES, inspired by the a posse plus retreat exercise, which are in order to continue our conversation, but specifically to celebrate one another.  They are meant to be anonymous, you can specifically address individuals or the entire class with questions, comments, things you appreciated, exercises you liked, things that can be worked on.  PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING. 

Sorry! Accidentally deleted this while finishing up!

It's hard not to believe that I have come a long way since the start of the semester. I was indeed scared, intimidated, and incredibly nervous about the academic and social envrionment that I would be planted in; however, my fears completely dissolved and were replaced by excitement and confidence.

I have always been interested in feminism but I realize now that I had no idea about what feminism was until this class. It’s odd to look back at the first couple of weeks and remember how confused and nervous I was about learning new terms. Things like the gender binary and intersectionality.  Looking back at my old writings I think that I am more honest and truthful about what I believe in my posts now. I was very worried the first couple of weeks about staying on topic and I used to get very nervous about that. After the discussion about not being afraid to speak or share our opinions that the class had during the middle of the semester I tried to be more open and honest with my writing and thoughts. I did not expect that I would go on such a personal journey during this class and it has been a very rewarding experience.