To our Walled Community: Thank you

When I first started this class, I wasn’t sure at all what to expect. I was excited. I’d worked with Anne and Jody before and I’d met and interacted with a number of people in the class in a variety of contexts. In fact, when I saw the list of people in the class, I thought: “This is going to be an amazing semester.” The people in the 360 really do build the experience, and my expectations in terms of what my classmates and my professors would bring were not disappointed.

Because of this sense of familiarity, I’ve taken a lot of risks this semester. I’ve begun to understand and come to terms with my position of privilege and also come to understand the places where I am less privileged or de-privileged. I wrote my first web-paper for Anne about how I couldn’t write about my original place of silencing because the venue for my writing was a public one. Two papers later, I was able to address the topic in the form of a graphic narrative, and now by the end of the semester, I’ve built up the courage to speak to my parents about my position. I’ve also been able to really question myself within the space of the classroom– something I’ve shied away from before because of how vulnerable making it can be.

I’ve spent all semester working to figure out how much space my voice should take up within the classroom and have reached a point in which I think my influence is generally less vocal than that of many of my classmates. In that sense, I’m beginning to relate very much with Chandrea and HSBurke’s presence in the class. My decision to not speak is not a decision based in selfishness, or holding back my thoughts. I’ve simply begun to require more time to process my words. In addition, I think through the practice of silence and awareness of voice and vision as different kinds of intelligence and spaces that need respect in their own right, I’ve “unlearned” some of the skills I’d previously had in classroom interactions. I find I’m no longer capable of making sure my voice is heard during large discussions even if I feel I have something to say because I’m so aware of not wanting to silence other voices. There have been numerous times in all three classrooms where I’d wanted to speak up but was unable to find or make the space I needed. This is by no means the fault of the instructors, or even my fellow classmates; I’ve simply lost some of the assertion I used to have within the classroom– possibly because I’ve spent much of this semester questioning various aspects of my identity. It’s hard for me to take
on or even feign confidence when, in most other aspects of my life, I’m feeling utterly in flux.

Despite this less active participation, I still felt very much engaged in the classes and coursework. I often left class discussing some aspect of what we’d been thinking and learning about with my friends and classmates. I also often had more discussions outside of class – during lunch or dinner with other 360º students – and felt as though much of my life was consumed in thought and discussion stemming from the 360.

One of the ways I felt particularly engaged was through Serendip posts – especially because about half of them were written in response to other people’s posts or in continuation of discussions we had in class. I really valued the space Serendip offered to continue conversations, and I wish I’d made more time for myself to read and respond to more people’s posts. I felt constantly impressed by everyone’s thoughts and insights and I feel lucky to have been a part of it.

In terms of my writing for the class, I feel like much of it is still a part of my processing. I have not finalized, and don’t think I will finalize most of the thinking I’ve done this semester. Of my papers, I think my first two memos for Barb and the zine I worked on with Michaela and Dan feel the most complete. My third memo for Barb as well as my first two voice papers and all my work for Anne feel much less complete. I am still having thoughts about my first voice paper – which I wrote on appropriating voices – because I’m still not sure where I stand on the topic. I would have done a revision of it had I more time or energy. Perhaps for all of these ideas, though, I need to embrace the idea of contemplative thought – not necessarily actively looking at silence, voice, vision, privilege, identity, appropriation, but letting the discussions we’ve had this semester sit with me.

I think for this reason, my journal entries in response to our visits to the Cannery were much more based on how my feelings and thoughts transitioned through the semester as opposed to more “academic” thinking. To be entirely honest, I usually wrote my journal entries for each visit a week or more after the actual visit because I felt I needed more time to sit with the experience. One of the ways I particularly appreciated the journal, though, was the invitation to incorporate images with our words. I think much of the illustration and collaging I did in that journal helped me express my emotions (of which there were a LOT) without having to rely on words – a theme I find myself returning to frequently this semester. As someone who has felt utterly comfortable in the world of words for so long, it’s been a great process for me to have this visual learning and expression available as an option for expression in these classes. It’s because of this experience that I expanded the visual thinking I did in the journal to other aspects of the 360º – such as the graphic narrative I did for Anne’s class, the zine I worked on for Jody’s class, and the final video project for all three classes.

As I mentioned in my video reflection, I felt disappointed by the artwork I did in the Cannery because I didn’t feel as though I had enough time to fully express myself. I valued the verbal silence I got in those projects and wanted to be able to fully express myself visually in those pieces. At the same time, I regret not connecting more with women in the Cannery because of my verbal silence. As I mentioned during our debrief, I felt really uncomfortable within the space of the Cannery – not because of the people, but because of the environment. The harshness of the light and sound within the trailer made it hard for me to feel physically at ease enough to take emotional risks or make more personal connections.

In some ways, I did feel as though I bonded with one of the women, because we both enjoyed working silently and we happened to sit near each other for all three of our art projects. However, we didn’t have the same kind of connection other people in the class may have had because we didn’t speak very much with one another or share any personal anecdotes. I left the Cannery on our last visit knowing nothing more about her as a person then I did coming in.

I hesitate to say that this is a total loss. Like many others in the class, I’m certain my experience in the Cannery is one that I need time to sit with. And I don’t think that by not knowing about her personal experience I “missed out” in some particular way because I think our non-verbal communication, or even surface-level conversations about shared appreciation for beaches, music, etc. allowed us a connection even if it wasn’t particularly personal or vulnerable-making.

Overall, I really appreciate the experience I’ve had this semester. Over the past few months, a number of people have asked me what it’s like being in this 360º and my response to all of them has been the same: exhausting, transformative, emotional, and completely worthwhile. I struggle to define it more specifically than that, and I struggle to define exactly what it is I’ve taken from these classes, but I know that they’ve utterly changed my thinking about institutions, classroom dynamics, and silence, voice, and vision. I thank everyone involved in this “walled community” for that.