Web Event #2: Silenced by a lack of Silence

Webpaper 2

Lately, I’ve left our class with anger nipping at my heels as I trudge back to Denbigh. Thoughts, complaints and unspoken words swirl through my already over-full mind and I just want to scream. But I don’t. Instead, I shut myself in my room and wish I had splurged for that journal I saw in the bookstore a week ago. It seems wrong, but out of desperation and lack of proper medium, I’ve turned to this essay to help me sort out my thoughts regarding my own role in our class, and also the role of silence.

I am exhausted when I leave our class. I feel the weight of my unpacked thoughts making me so heavy. My silence, I will readily admit, is self-imposed, but I won’t take all of the responsibility. I feel silenced because I just need space to think. Such heavy topics deserve a response that has been thought out. But there is no time for silence. For it seems that we would much rather talk about it than observe it.

I find it ironic that in a class about silence we are ALL SO LOUD. There is almost constant discussion. I feel like I’m watching a tennis match as my head violently pivots between speakers. Sometimes, it’s exhausting and I give up – choosing to doodle while listening instead. But when I am watching, I rarely see what I hope to. We share a lot of very personal thoughts in this class. And instead of taking it in, processing it and really listening to the speaker, we practically jump off of our seats out of desperation to add to the conversation. How much listening could really be going on here? It is uncomfortable for me when we get off on so many tangents, because I can’t help but think that these are caused by the inability to listen to the speaker before and really understand what they say. It seems that our voices move too rapidly – we don’t have time to process. The desire to have our opinions and experiences heard outweighs the need to provide our classmates with the same validation. There is so little space (sometimes it’s absolutely none, resulting in interruptions) that I don’t ever have time think. Because I’m not comfortable speaking without giving my words some thought first, especially with such loaded subjects, I usually end up just holding it all in. And that feels really crappy.

As I’m writing this my mind is reeling. I’ve already taken break after break, trying to quiet it. The most recent break took me to a blog about blackout poetry—my newest obsession. This, appropriately, was the second poem I saw:

Eerily relevant, it inspired me to go back to writing. To writing my eruption. It disappoints me that this particular eruption is so two-dimensional. I feel disappointed in myself for not speaking up in class. So, maybe less than a demonstration of power, this is a demonstration of my hesitation. I do find it extremely difficult to get a word in edge-wise, which stops me from sharing my thoughts. However, I also fear intense backlash whenever I open my mouth. I know it is not our intention to be judgmental, but these subjects of race, class and gender hit so close to home that I think it renders that impossible. I’ve felt offended by things said in class before, particularly those thoughts that speak to privilege and what that means. But conversely, I worry about offending others. Especially since some of the topics we cover are those I know very little about (and thus want to think about more deeply before making a comment).  Just like many of my classmates, I struggle to deal with assumptions that are made about me based on my race or perceived social class. However, something within me feels like my concerns are not as relevant or important to discussion.

I’ve actually found that I struggle to think about our class as a class. I am constantly chasing after our conversations, trying to connect them back to our readings, or even to their origin. On the way out after our sessions, I am unable to quantify exactly what I’ve learned or what our discussion covered, and that just adds to my frustrations. So, I’ve come to the conclusion (with a little help from Delpit) that I just need more structure. However, I am uncertain as to whether the nature of this class makes that possible. I don’t want to infringe my needs on a group of women who are clearly flourishing in this environment. But if I don’t, I fear my voice may disappear altogether.

P.S. It absolutely terrifies me to post this. I’ve gone over it multiple times in an attempt to avoid sounding accusatory or offensive.